Should I go back to my dad? Would he love me, would I love him? The way he had treated me, could I? I walked home, rather than getting a taxi. It would be an extra 20 minutes, but with the traffic, there wouldn’t be much of a difference. As I was walking, my mind wandered back to the man that was Tom. What were my feelings towards him? The gap that was missing within me couldn’t have been yearning for Tom. I had just lost a baby, never been loved. The attention was getting to me. I didn’t love him, obviously, I didn’t even know the guy, it was a hidden lust. I was saying all these things to myself to take my mind off those soft lips. In the hospital, I would wake up feeling satisfied, there would be moistness between my legs and when I would think back to the dream Tom had been there, between my legs. Caressing me, making me feel things I had never felt for anyone. As I reached my apartment, I thought about what I was going to do with my day. I needed a shower. As soon as I entered,. Not in that way. Right?I placed my exhausted body on the sofa to relax. I had to remind myselfthat I was permitted to spread my legs wide apart when there was no-oneelse around. I had become so used lately to sit with my legs pressedneatly together. And I was not supposed to get used to sitting likethat. After all, it is supposed to hurt a man to squeeze his junkbetween his thighs. But with my little penis so effectively tucked awayI felt as if I had nothing at all special dangling between my legs. Justa smooth and feminine crotch. I had completely emasculated myself.I wanted to reclaim a small shred of masculinity, so I tried to forcemyself to spread my legs. I wanted to 'manspread' like men arestereotypically supposed to. The way men sit down and take up as muchspace as possible. But I found that the dress that I was wearingconstricted me from sitting down like a man. If I wanted to stop sittinglike a demure woman, then I would have to go and get changed to adifferent outfit, and I.
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